brick wall

I have once again, hit that wall. Feeling frustrated by the lack of communication from others, always sitting around waiting to hear the next load of bull that floats so seamlessly from their mouths. I am stupid. That's the long and short of it. I trust too easily, see the good in people where it so obviously isn't.

This time it has left me in the shit, financially. I am owed money I stupidly paid out on behalf of a 'friend....a lover'. And now, I am on the receiving end of 'the cheque is in the post' syndrome. So tired of all the excuses, it has now got to the point where my calls and texts are ignored. More fool me for getting in the position in the first place. This is all happening at the worst possible time for me, financially, emotionally.....everything. What to do now is the question. How do I proceed...............

A mothers handbag

Do you remember the days when your handbag held the essentials for the modern woman? You know the kind of stuff, purse, phone, compact, lipstick....the list is quite obvious.


Now I am a mother to a 7 year old (sorry my love, nearly 8 years old) I find my bag is full of weird and wonderful 'stuff'. I seem to have to forage for anything I may require, even somewhat urgently. There is at present, a broken hairband, several scraps of paper with 'I love you mummy', one sock (why?) a moxie girls bracelet, sorry two of those, a sparkly hair grip and the obligatory plaster (probably the only one in the house due to misuse, why do kids want a plaster for even the most minute scratch?). Last but not least, a gazillion scrunched up tissues.

I love being a mum, the complexities of parenting scare the crap out of me, but down to the very core of my being, I love that child of mine. And all the junk that she brings to my world. It's when I am at work and reach into my bag for some essential item and pull out that odd smelly sock that I am reminded of what is important to me.

Summertime blues

Though times are hard right now, we still need to find the time to play. All three of us enjoy our walks, bubs chasing dog, dog chasing butterflies, non existent fairies and worst of all other dogs. She picks flowers or weeds, she doesn't care. The house and car is full of bits of grass, seed pods, wheat, essentially anything she finds that catches her eye. Her present trophy is unripe conkers. She just can't wait!

Bubs loves her dog, even though he jumps on her with too sharp claws, pulls on his lead to the point her arm is sore, but he is her dog. So we walk, we play, we chase. The clouds are still present, but there is light in our play.

Behind closed doors

Those who see me on the outside see a happy disposition, friendly and chatty. The worm is about to turn. I am tired of being a 'people pleaser', you know the type, happy to take on other peoples woes and comfort them, forever a shoulder to cry on. Nobody has noticed I am crying. On a daily basis, tears run down my cheeks silently while the world passes by. I no longer feel inclined to shoulder anyone else's burdens, I have enough of my own.

Will the world cease to turn? No. Will friends flock at my door to try and ease my sorrows? No. There is not a great deal I can do about that and knowing me if they did turn up, I would turn their help away. I am stubborn and pig headed and for the life of me I can't let anyone in to help.

If you have managed to stumble across my ramblings then I apologise, they are rather self absorbed at present and merely a way of purging myself. At this point in my life I am bereft and bereaved. For that I make no apology. No doubt at some point I will rise again, but for now I am most comfortable wallowing thank you very much.

I lost someone. Not just anyone, someone. Mum.